Beeeee Proactive...

I love the natural world and the many spiritual lessons it provides.  Honeybees are a great example of this. Have you ever closely watched a hive?  My husband is a beekeeper and he constantly points out to me how hardworking and resourceful his bees are. Barring disease and the death of the queen, not much slows them down. They keep the nectar and pollen coming in, kick out and even kill the males (called drones, who only have ONE job: to mate with and fertilize the queen) so as to keep the freeloading to a minimum, and use their tiny wings as airconditioners and heaters to keep the queen and brood alive both summer and winter.  To say that bees are proactive is a understatement!

Proactivity is defined as: "serving to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, especially a negative or difficult one."

The opposite or antonym of proactivity is passivity, defined as: "opposed to activity; the tendency of a body to remain in a given state, either of motion or rest, till disturbed by another body; inertia; inactivity; lack of initiative; submission to others or to outside influences"

Our culture trains us to be passive in many ways: media and entertainment, fast food, social programs, just to name a few.  We also have an epidemic of blame-shifting and responsiblity-shirking, as well as magical thinking.  Until we admit and own our "stuff" and make a plan to overcome our self sabotage, we will continue to be mired.

What causes passivity?  I think fear and negative conditioning are the two main ones. Laziness runs a close third. So how do we overcome these hindrances?

The first step is to PRAY! Ask God for help. Ask Him to empower you, give you wisdom as He has promised to do so in James 1:5:

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

The second step is to brainstorm solutions; write them down!  Many solutions can be found by surfing the net, reading books by experts, etc. Pick one solution.  Third, break down the solution into numbered steps, and by each step, write down a date when you WILL accomplish this.  Fourth, enlist a buddy as an accountability partner.  Give him or her your list.

Here's an example. Say you are in debt. You want to get out of debt and start saving money.  PRAY! Ask for God's help to have self control, to identify areas you overspend, and to give you solutions to your money problems.  Read some books/websites by financial experts.  Pick a solution: for example, draw up a budget.  Write down the steps to making a budget.  If step one is: track spending, start that the next day. If the second step is "bring lunch to work rather than eating out," put a date when you will do that.  Then have your buddy check in with you to find out if you are on schedule. And so on.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “So much attention is paid to the aggressive sins, such as violence and cruelty and greed with all their tragic effects, that too little attention is paid to the passive sins, such as apathy and laziness, which in the long run can have a more devastating effect.” Amen?

When Food is Love, by Geneen Roth

This could be a life altering book, if we let it.  Geneen Roth has grand insight into the compulsion of overeating, and I want to share some brilliant excerpts:

"Love and compulsion cannot coexist.  Love is the willingness and ability to be affected...and to allow that effect to make a difference in what you do, say, become.  Compulsion is the act of wrapping ourselves around an activity, a substance, or a person to survive, to tolerate and numb our experience of the moment.  Love is a state of connectedness, one that includes vulnerability, surrender, self-valuing, steadiness, adn a willingness to face, rather than run from, the worst of ourseelves.  Compulsion is a state of isolation, one that includes self-absorption, invulnerability, low self-esteem, unpredictability, and fear that if we faced our pain, it would destroy us.  Love expands; compulsion diminishes. Compulsion leaves no room for love-which is, in fact, why many people started eating: because when there was room for love, the people around us were not loving. The very purpose of compulsion is to protect ourselves from the pain associated with love."

"We become compulsive about food because we have something to hide. Something we believe is worse than being fat or eating compulsively. The process of breaking free from compulsive eating is one of keeping steady with food so we can discover what we are hiding. But until we believe that compulsive eating means something, until we stop shrugging it off as an acceptable obsession that can be fixed with will power, a protein shake, or the cut of a surgeon's knife, until we realize that compulsion is the cast, not the wound, until we realize we are dying, we will not have the information we need to decide to live."

"....compulsive eaters die a little every time they eat compulsively. The choice is the same for all of us-alcoholics, drug addicts, cigarette smokers, compulsive eaters: Do I want to live while I'm alive and embrace what sustains me or do I want to die while I'm alive and embrace what destroys me? If I choose life, where do I need to heal? What are my secrets? what pieces of me have I been unwilling to recognize? What images, what nightmares, what words am I most afraid to speak?"

“Compulsion is despair on the emotional level. The substances, people, or activities that we become compulsive about are those that we believe capable of taking our despair away…. Compulsive behavior, at its most fundamental, is a lack of self-love; it is an expression of a belief that we are not good enough.”

Ms. Roth tells the story of a friend (Clara) who had a eight-year old client:  "who had been on a diet for two years and had gained fourteen pounds in the process. In desperation, [the child's mother] consulted Clara; Clara asked what her daughter's favorite food was. 'M&Ms,' the mother replied.

'Good. I want you to leave here and buy enough M&Ms to fill a pillow case. After you've done that, give the filled pillowcase to your daughter and let her eat the candy whenever she wants. As soon as the supply is diminished, refill it. Make sure she always has a full pillowcase of M&Ms. Take her off the diet, let her eat whatever she wants when she is hungry, and call me in a week'...[the girl] carried the pillowcase of M&Ms around with her for eight days. She slept with it, she set it beside the tub when she took a bath, she put it in a chair when she watched television. And, of course, she helped herself to M&Ms whenever she wanted them. Which, the first few days, was very often. In fact, after her mother brought three more pounds of M&Ms on the third day of this sugar-coated experience, she was ready to sue Clara. In a hysterical phone call, she told her that her child was eating more candy than ever before and how the hell was she supposed to lose weight doing this? Clara reassured her that her daughter was reacting to the years of deprivation and that when she believed, really believed, that she could eat whatever she wanted and that her mother was not waiting to snatch her pillowcase away, she would relax and begin eating from stomach hunger. On the ninth day, the pillowcase stayed in the bedroom. By the end of five weeks, her daughter had forgotten the M&Ms and had lost six pounds."

 Geneen Roth spent most of her young adult life dieting: losing and gaining 1000 pounds over the 20 some years she dieted. She conducted an experiment and completely gave up dieting, resulting in losing all her excess weight over a course of several months, and she has maintained her natural weight for over 30 years. She then became an author and speaker, and has held workshops and retreats all over the country for many years instructing others how to become free of the the tyranny of food obsession. She developed her eating guidelines:

1. Eat when you are hungry.
2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.
3. Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.
4. Eat what your body wants.
5. Eat until you are satisfied.
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto, and pleasure.”

I like this lady!

The CHANGE is Good????

I apologize in advance for any of my readers with delicate sensibilities, but the bottom line here is that most of us endure "Viagra" and other male sex-enhancing drug TV commercials on a daily basis, so I think a frank discussion about menopause shouldn't rock our worlds too badly! In fact, it's high time we discuss this phenomenon that will affect at least 50 percent of the population somewhere between age 35 and 55, roughly speaking (and using the trickle-down theory, 100percent of the population, because we all know that when Mama ain't happy, ain't no body happy-and that includes the single gals and their social circle!

Technically, I'm talking about PERImenopause-the 5-15 years of hormonal flux before the actual event of menopause (complete cessation of monthly cycles), and this is the danger zone. Last summer I found myself overcome with extreme fatigue, aching muscles and joints, nightly sweats that drenched two sets of pj's AND bedding, and a totally belligerent personality (not totally out of character, however...) Anyway, I was sure I had some horrible disease, such as Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Rheumatoid arthritis, or some fatal combination of the three, and the two testosterone-laden dudes I live with (one my adult son-I'm NOT a bigamist) kept remarking that all I did was sleep (in between necessary obligations like work and such)! It wasn't until I googled and googled my eyeballs out, however, that I finally started discovering what ailed me.

Once I diagnosed myself (I should have a medical degree for all the internet research I've done over the years!), I first tried natural remedies-herbs, over-the-counter creams and pills- and when those were mostly ineffective, my health-care provider (a nurse-midwife) supplied me with hormonal help in the form of "bio-identical" progesterone cream and then capsules when the cream wouldn't cut it. That therapy initially saved my sanity, but it wasn't long before I relapsed into last summer's misery. I begged the nurse-midwife for anything-I didn't care if it caused cancer, stroke, Alzheimer's disease, was illegal or immoral...I needed SOMETHING (sort of like going through labor and begging for something stronger than the typical placebo-ish painkillers). She put me on birth control pills, and after 2 weeks of even worse misery (a headache that bordered on unbearable), Hallelujah!, my suffering dropped from an 8 to a 3, like magic! It actually occurred about 3pm last Tuesday afternoon, literally.

Of course I now have to endure the anti-HT (hormone therapy) naturalists, but I just give them a look that would wither Hitler (belligerance can be learned and stored up for later ammunition), and rattle off several books they need to readbefore I will deign to enter into discussion with them. Knowledge is power, ladies, and here's a list of the great, BALANCED books that will open your eyes and help you sort out what you need to do to survive this necessary, but often turbulent and painful time...sort of like reliving your teenage years. Here is my (growing) book list:

Could it be...Perimenopause? by Goldstein and Ashner
The Pause by Dr. Lonnie Barbach (older book, but still wonderful AND essential)
Is is Hot in Here, or is it me? by Kantrowitz and Kelly
Menopause Sucks by Joanne Kimes
Menopause Matters by Dr. Edelman
HRT: Everything you Need to know... by Tara Parker-Pope

I do have to point out that there are numerous women who sail through the whole menopause thing without so much as a bump in the road, but as someone on the other end of that enviable spectrum, I NEEDED help, or I was going to leave home, become a drug addict, and check myself into a mental hospital, making sure I had a green card and morphine to treat my condition.

Additionally, many of us have been poisoned by the 2001 Women's Health Initiative Study that completely scared the world in regards to Hormone Therapy. But if you read even one or two of the above listed books, you will find that many of the conclusions that study reached are not entirely valid, and in some cases actually wrong. For example, the average age of women in the WHI study was mid-60's and well past menopause. Those are not the women who are suffering/needing HT for five or less years to survive perimenopause. Researchers began to look at the results of the younger women in the study, and the conclusions drawn from that subset vary dramatically from the older subset. Another controversy you'll encounter once you dig into HT involves the conflict over "bio-identical" vs. synthetic treatments. Once again, as a scientifically-minded person who needs solid research to believe any claims, I have to say that there is NO scientific basis proving that "bio-identical" hormone therapy is safer or more effective than synthetic treatments, period. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Suzanne Somers!

Happy hormones, ladies (and gents)!

Nifty Things I Now Know at Fifty

Rather than mourn the loss of my twenties, thirties, and now FORTIES (!), I decided to write what half a century on this earth has taught me. Nifty stuff I wish I knew when I was twenty- and thirty-something, raising small children, and forty-something, raising teenagers.

This is not an exhaustive list, and I jot it down in no particular order:

1. Over-achievers/perfectionists punish not only ourselves, but our children and spouses too. I feel serious remorse for how I hounded my kids to do things RIGHT--not half-assed (my father's terminology). Which leads to number two:

2. Sometimes half-assed is good enough :) I wouldn't want my brain operated on by a surgeon with this philosophy, but let's face it: Not everything is brain surgery! Not every task has to be done really well; we simply don't have time and energy to put forth our best effort for every single thing. Messy pancakes taste just fine. Exercising a little and sloppily is better than not at all. Speed folding laundry works. My husband's lame-o dishwashing and vacuuming is better than him not doing it :)

3. It's ok to disappoint people. They will have to get over it. You can never please everyone, so don't stress about it.

4. Sleep enough. You'll live longer and healthier.

5. Exercise is necessary, but manic exercise is not (and it's not even safe). Joints have to last you around 80 years or better. Moderate exercise is best. Trust me: I'm 50 and wish I would have been easier on my ankles, hips and wrists when I was in my 20's.

6. Food is meant to be enjoyed and it is morally neutral. It is not unethical to eat instant spuds and twinkies. But...

7. Food is not love or drugs. Treating it that way will harm you.

8. Ultra cleanliness is harmful. Children raised by bleach-mamas have poor immune systems.

9. The opposite of ultra cleanliness is pigdom, which is harmful as well. Which leads to:

10. Stuff is not love. Hoarding is bad for your health. It attracts rodents and bugs which carry diseases and smell bad.

11. My list of to-do tasks will never end. No use fretting over that fact.

12. My house will always look worse than I think it should. So what?

13. I will always be fatter than I wish I were. Again, so what?

14. Outward beauty fades...replace with ever-increasing inner beauty.

15. Everything in moderation. Well, everything legal and moral: sweets, alcohol, exercise, work, friends, shopping, recreation, etc.

16. Money (and the stuff it can buy/adventures it can fund) is NOT worth sacrificing your children and health to.

17. Debt is bad. Avoid it.

18. When you are in your 20's and 30's you are supposed to be poor. Don't expect a fancy house and cool car. See number 17.

19. Go outside a lot.

20. You will get over it. Whatever it is.

21. Most of us, male and female, need nutritional supplements as we don't get 'em in in our food and live a looooonnnnng time(think calcium and vitamin D).

22. Sometimes natural supplements don't cut it. That's when I bring in the big guns(meds)!

23. Unsolicited advice is very irritating. Try not to give it.

24. We only have today, period.

25. Back up your computer (I learned this the hard way).

26. God's opinion of me is the only one that really counts.

27. Guilt tripping myself doesn't work.

28. Not everything is my problem.

29. I need nights off at home with no obligations.

30. I will forget these things from time to time and will have to relearn them :)

Sometimes you gotta rip out the old...

I have finally given up. The carpet in our weight room slash doggy sleep room has to go. I have cleaned it with everything: Doggy doo doo beGONE shampoo, baking soda, FeBreeze, Carpet Fresh, vinegar water (which only succeeded in making it smell like pickled dog turd), etc. The odor is trapped in the pad and sadly, the only cure is to pull it up and throw it out (which won't happen until our old dogs are gone...no use throwing good carpet before swine...er dogs).

Metaphorically speaking, sometimes life's crappy (excuse the pun) carpets need tossing as well. Smelly rugs comes in many forms: a friendship gone sour, a financially draining business, a job causing undue stress and unhappiness, or a relative in need of some tough love. Solomon wisely wrote that there is "a time to keep and a time to throw away." So how do we determine what sort of time we're facing?

I believe there are times when God sets us on a hard and lonely road. To be tested by fire (1 Pet. 1:7) and to "endure hardship as discipline(Hebrews 12:7)," but there are also times we need to get rid of harmful or even unnecessary chaff in our lives. Some chaff is obvious, but other can only be identified by the Holy Spirit; those times we need His help to identify the chaff vs. valuable grain. Most likely your marriage is grain, not chaff; just sayin'. Sometimes marriage seems like a trek up Everest (which no sane person should ever do); that is not the time to bail. Nor is it time when his chewing or her laugh drives you up a tree, or the seasons you just don't feel in love or attracted to him/her any longer. This is petty, self-centered stuff, and my gentle advice: "SUCK IT UP! Also, remember that "love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:7). BUT...we don't have to endure marital abuse and severe addictions. We don't have to tolerate friends who chronically cut us down, break promises, suck us dry emotionally, or compromise our values. We don't have to tolerate the irresponsible adult child parasitizing us. We don't have to live in squalor or work for an angry and belittling boss. We can fire a lazy and irresponsible employee. We can change where we shop, bank or go to church.

In my life, I have "had a boundary," as my mom would say, about the above things. I have broken an engagement with a faithless alcohol abuser (after suffering WAY too long). I have ended painful friendships. I have left churches that were morally or doctrinally compromised. I have refused to shop at certain stores that support causes I totally disagreed with. And I refuse to vote for those who promote or even tolerate child killing (abortion). On the other end, I have endured marital troubles that could easily have led to divorce, and have lived to tell about it (we will celebrate our silver anniversary this fall)! I have pursued and asked forgiveness of friends whom I've wounded and scared off. I have given lots of money to my children, simply because they were in need and were trying their absolute best. I have forgiven those I did not want to forgive and welcomed them back into my life. 1 Corinthians 4:8 sums it well, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair..." Life will be full of decisions to make; thankfully we have the All-Wise and Knowing One as our Counselor! We just have to learn to listen...

Consumed: Why Americans Love, Hate and Fear Food, by Michelle Stacey

"We will not be healthier, both psychologically and physically, about our food until we learn to love it more, not less...with a relaxed, generous, unashamed emotion. That will be the only way to free ourselves from our sad and fruitless struggle against its power. In the process, it may be that we will have to redefine fundamentally the concept of 'eating well.' The phrase now, in the hands of the food paranoids, is often used to convey the idea of following a diet scientifically programed to prevent disease...and almost religiously outlawing certain forbidden foods. Perhaps eating well instead ought to mean eating fresh, well-prepared foods that are varied and satisfying, served in an appealing way, eaten at leisure-a way of eating that, because nothing is completely ruled out, obviates the need for snacking, for 'cheating,' for obsessing and bingeing. That might also end the driving anxiety about our food-the idea that what we eat is killing us, and that we must do something drastic and painful to repair the damage."

In a nutshell, the above passage defines the thrust of "enlightened hedonism," and the author's assertion that America's "disordered" eating has brought us to this place of food paranoia.

Though published in 1994, much of what the book had to say rings true today...somehow our relationship with food has evolved into fear- the primal fear of death, which is futile, because death, as we all know, is inevitable.

"...a life lived by the numbers [counting calories, fat grams, points, etc.] seeks to evade the most central of truths: Even the most religious of dieters cannot dictate the exact moment or nature of one's death. Perhaps the most disturbing, and disheartening, aspect of the current food paranoia is that is seems driven far more by a fear of death than by a love of life. It is possible to become so engaged in the business of fleeing illness and decay that one forgets how to truly and fully live-or forgets that one point of living is to enjoy."

Well said. The author also asserts that much of our obesity and food obsession stems directly from our American fast food and snacking mentality. We avoid eating good, wholesome food, and grab quick, "cheater" food, inhale it, and that experience leaves us wanting and on the prowl for more food experience. We then binge on quickie junk, and our subsequent weight gain and guilt catapults us into a stringent diet which starves us for FOOD, and the cycle begins again. A couple nights ago I came home famished, but instead of grabbing the nearest edible thing, I munched a couple carrots, and prepared an amazing dinner for myself: creamy scallop sauce over linguine (butter and cream galore), french bread (more butter) and wine. I threw some mushrooms and broccoli florets into the sauce for good measure. I sat down, thanked the Lord for His amazing abundance, and slowly ate my meal, savoring each bite. Normally I'm a rapid eater, so this exercise was somewhat trying...BUT about 3/4 the way through my moderate to small helpings, I was completely satisfied, and didn't crave another bite of ANYTHING the rest of the night. I think Ms. Stacey may be onto something. Given the full experience of savoring not only the taste of the meal but also the aroma and even the preparation (cooking isn't my favorite activity), satisfies some God-given food enjoyment "gene," and to eat the slap-dash American way is to starve that "gene" and trigger it to binge.

I have always joked that I'm a hedonist at heart, but now I have given myself permission to be an "enlightened hedonist." One who prepares wholesome food but doesn't worry about the fat grams, carbs, calories or "righteousness" (as Gwen Shamblin of Weigh Down terms it) of a particular ingredient. I will eat when I'm hungry, savor my food, stop when I'm pleasantly full, and wait again to eat when I'm hungry. The end.

"Women Food and God" a book review...of sorts

At first I resisted this book. I absolutely hate "new age-y," touchy-feely books that reduce God to a tappable source within human beings. That lie gravels me worse than practically any other, but God has been speaking to me lately about keeping the baby as I toss out the bath water. Just as Elijah received raven-delivered food in 1 Kings 17, so can the fallen things of this world bring bits of truth to me, truth delivered for my growth and benefit. And...I do NOT have to fear deception! I am not some weak, frail seeker, on the edge of losing the truth. "HE that is IN me is greater than he who is in the world." The Holy, All-Powerful HE can keep my feet on the path, my weak mind from sucking up and adopting crud. Thank-you, Holy Spirit! Anyway, after that long preamble, I will get to the meat of this book by Geneen Roth. She has hit the nail on the head regarding our corporate, incredibly dysfunctional relationship with food. "No matter how developed you are in any other area of your life, no matter what you say you believe, no matter how sophisticated or enlightened you thin you are, how you eat tells all...the desire to eat when you are not hungry reveals what you truly believe about life here on earth...In the moment that you reach for potato chips to avoid what you feel, you are effectively saying, 'There is no possibility of change so I might as well eat.' You are saying,"goodness exists for everyone but me so I might as well eat.' You are saying, 'I am fundamentally flawed so I might as well eat.' Or, 'Food is the only true pleasure in life so I might as well eat.'

As I read the book, I related to her words on so many levels. I truly believe many of us live our lives as if food is the enemy, or even worse, we are the enemy when it comes to food. Some excerpts:

"Diets are based on the unspoken fear that you are a madwoman, a food terrorist, a lunatic. The promise of a diet is not only that you will have a different body; it is that in having a different body, you will have a different life. If you hate yourself enough, you will love yourself. If you torture yourself enough, you will become a peaceful, relaxed human being.

Although the very notion that hatred leads to love and that torture leads to relaxation is absolutely insane, we hypnotize ourselves into believing that the end justifies the means. We treat ourselves and the rest of the world as if deprivation, punishment, and shame lead to change. We treat our bodies as if they are the enemy and the only acceptable outcome is annihilation. Our deeply ingrained belief is that hatred and torture work. And although I've never met anyone—not one person—for whom warring with their bodies led to long-lasting change, we continue to believe that with a little more self-disgust, we'll prevail.

But the truth is that kindness, not hatred, is the answer. The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value, and possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. Not fight it. Not force it. Not deprive it. Not shame it. Not do anything but accept and—yes, Virginia—understand it. Because if you force and deprive and shame yourself into being thin, you end up a deprived, shamed, fearful person who will also be thin for ten minutes. When you abuse yourself (by taunting or threatening yourself), you become a bruised human being no matter how much you weigh. When you demonize yourself, when you pit one part of you against another—your ironclad will against your bottomless hunger—you end up feeling split and crazed and afraid that the part you locked away will, when you are least prepared, take over and ruin your life. Losing weight on any program in which you tell yourself that left to your real impulses you would devour the universe is like building a skyscraper on sand: Without a foundation, the new structure collapses...

I tell my retreat students that they need to remember two things: to eat what they want when they're hungry and to feel what they feel when they're not. Inquiry—the feel-what-you-feel part—allows you to relate to your feelings instead of retreat from them."

Roth's Eating guidelines are simple, yet wise:

Eat when you are hungry.

Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.

Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.

Eat what your body wants.

Eat until you are satisfied.

Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.

Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

But what about the overwhelming urge to eat when you are NOT hungry? Roth insists it is usually because there is something we are feeling that we don't want to feel. Her solution is to stop, breathe, and allow ourselves to FEEL the feeling (realizing we won't die from the feeling). Examine the feeling in the third person. The feeling often results from patterns formed in our childhood, and we need to realize we are no longer that powerless five-year-old. We are adults with many more tools than a child possesses. We have wisdom and knowledge at our disposal. And that isn't enough and we still need relief from an overwhelming feeling of loss, sadness, frustration, etc., rather than using food, we can employ other distractions: take a walk, read a book, etc. I think PRAYER is the best. Turn to God when we want to eat outside of hunger (a left-over "jewel" I picked up from Gwen Shamblin's Weigh Down "method"), praying something like, "God, I want to devour this entire pan of brownies. I am not hungry. I am struggling with something, and I need your grace and strength right now." Of course, I have not actually IMPLEMENTED that for years, but "Women" has reminded me that I am not alone in my battle against my food idolatry. I have the Almighty One on my side. He is my source of comfort, not the brownies, nachos, bag of black licorice, or super-sized fries.

I want to live a life fully committed to Jesus, not to my need for distraction, enjoyment, entertainment or comfort. I can't serve both Him and food. He is a jealous God.

"Lost and Found," A review (of sorts)

"Lost and Found," by Geneen Roth, expands her examination of a dysfunctional relationship with food to equal conflict with money. Though I really liked this book, once again I had to sift through the "new age-y" spiritual overtones and extract the valuable.

I particularly loved this passage:

"When I broke free from the obsession with food, I began by neutralizing the charge I'd given to it; I allowed myself to eat what I wanted when I was hungry. If I wanted coffee ice cream at eight in the morning, if I wanted pizza at midnight or Ring Dings for dinner, I allowed myself to eat them. And I gave myself a set of guidelines to follow: Every time I ate, I sat down, paid close attention to the taste of the food, and stopped when I'd had enough. The combination of legalizing what I'd considered stolen food and training myself to notice the smell, texture, and taste of what I was eating allowed food to become what it is: nourishment, sustenance, pleasure. And I'm discovering that the same process of asking and allowing is true in the relationship with money. When I'm seized by the need to have or buy something, I'm beginning to slow down, bring myself back to the present moment, and ask myself what I actually want, which is different from what I think I shouldn't have because it's wrong, greedy. When I take the charge away, a sweater loses its enchangment and bcomes just another woolly thing. Taking away the stolen quality also takes away the focus on I-me-mine. It widens the vision, allows me to see that the world is bigger than this particualr thing at this particular moment. I begin to ask questions that are impossible to consider when I am convinced the only way to get something is to "steal" it. Questions like Does this sweater/bouquet of flowers/T-shirt come from a country that employs child labor? Does the production of it hurt the environment in any way? Am i supporting something I believe in by making this purchase?

What I learned from the book: my consumption of food/use of money can no longer be something compartmentalized; as if there is no connection between the food I eat and my body, or the money I spend and my ethics. Both relationships need to be examined and my motives extracted. Am I downing these cream puffs one after another because I'm upset? Am I snatching up this "seen only on TV" item because I am lonely? Instead, I must resist the mindless eating and shopping and let myself feel the unpleasant emotion, confident that doing so won't actually kill me, and through it, I will learn something about myself, mature, and in the process, develop a healthier relationship with food/money. Chronic overeating is hard on my health and self-esteem, and impulse/excessive spending wreaks havoc on so many areas of my life, not the least of which my ability to give and share. I want to be a good steward of both realms: my "disposable earth suit" AND and my God-given wealth.

Book Review: Intuitive Eating

I just finished reading "Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that works" by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. I found it fascinating...even the chapters that were somewhat dry and academic. I think my interest in the book stemmed from a couple of things: one, I have been on a new hormone therapy, which causes "temporary" water weight gain, which lead me to subsequent panic producing food obsession, and two, I am totally burned out on any form of dieting and weight control.

The premise behind intuitive eating involves waiting to eat until one is hungry, choosing any appealing food, and slowly savoring each bite until full. An "appealing food" removes the moral rightness and wrongness of ANY food, and after awhile, one will naturally choose healthier options, because food restrictions have been lifted. The authors feel that we overeat on junk mostly because we have been conditioned to judge food according to diet rules: some foods are "good" while others are "bad," and due to natural rebellion, we want the forbidden (remember Adam and Eve in the Garden:). The main reason we overeat, according to the authors, is that we have tried our best to live under chronic diet rules, and that has caused us to biologically and psychologically revolt and crave sweets and fats.

For some of you this won't be new information. Many of us have tried the "Weigh Down Diet," by Gwen Shamblin of the Weigh Down Workshop, and while much of her "diet" contains the very same elements of intuitive eating, her main premise is that when we overeat, or eat when not hungry, we commit the sin of gluttony. The authors of "Intuitive," however, insist that part of the pleasure of eating involves occasionally eating when not hungry-as in a celebration or to top off dinner with dessert.

I took issue with Ms. Shamblin back when I first tried her "diet" (she insists it's not a diet, but a way of eating that honors God), with her works-based eating plan. She claims we can only please God by avoiding gluttony (defined by her as eating outside of hunger) at all costs, which creates a new rule that few of us have
ever even thought of. Don't get me wrong, I do believe gluttony is a sin, much as gossiping, pride, self-absorption, etc. are sins, but I do not believe that eating a piece of dessert after dinner when no longer hungry constitutes gluttony. Her whole food-freedom (no food is righteous and all foods are created equal, and if we listen to our bodies, we will eventually desire the foods our bodies require) premise sounds wonderful and freeing until one encounters her whole "thou shalt not eat when not hungry, period, and if thou doest, repent and wait for hunger again." That legalism gets old in a hurry. On the pettier side, I could not stand the sound of her voice on her audio recordings, or even the tone in her books. I felt like she was arrogant, attention-needy and self-righteous, and along the way she even admitted she didn't really struggle with overeating. "So why should we listen to you then, huh?" I wanted to ask. But I digress, and you will think I'm critiquing "the Weigh Down Diet" book. I guess I have harbored some resentment against her program...

Back to the book in question: I started the "program" of intuitive eating three days ago...and already I have noticed a phenomenal change: Food does not stress me out, AND I have passed up sweets (my former nemesis) just because I don't feel like eating them at the time. Unheard of for this lady! It's quite cool. I am not, however, naive enough to think I've become an intuitive eater, but the freedom from worrying about what I should eat, when I should eat, and how much I should eat, and what foods are sinful and should be avoided like the plague thrills me no end. I will keep y'all posted as I walk through this journey...

Over Commitment

Recently I found myself at a familiar place in my life again: the valley of over commitment. On the surface, my schedule didn't really appear packed, and it wasn't until I took time to write it down that I saw the main problem: the only evenings free at home were weekends, and for this homebody, that ain't enough! My mood suffered with increasing anger and resentment. I resorted to blaming other people for daring to ask me to do anything-for FORCING me to either accept another commitment, or the far scarier option. to utter the evil word, "NO."

After some practical advice from my hubby and a helpful friend, I whittled some otherwise beneficial activities out of my schedule, said "no" to a few people, and determined to refuse any new activities. Whew-I feel much better! I'm happier, less annoyed by interruptions, and much nicer at work...which I'm sure both my customers and co-workers appreciate.

The deeper question, however, remains: what is it about saying "no" that scares me? I think it started in childhood-saying "no" didn't fly with the parental units. Then as a teen, I stupidly acquired a controlling boyfriend who couldn't accept the N-word. And then, as a young married woman, I attended my first marital bible study, one which advocated the law of absolute wifely submission (read: obedience) to husbands. I have since determined that directive is a lie from the pit of Hell :) So my unused "no-muscle" atrophied over the years, and even though I've improved significantly in my middle-age, I still succumb to guilt-driven yeses. I generally feel like a bad Christian if I ignore or refuse a genuine need, though my mind screams out Jesus' truth: "the poor you always have with you," (Matthew 26:11a).

Demands for my time, money, compassion, etc will always exist, but I'm not always called to that particular need. Once again, I'm challenged to walk by the Spirit, not by the flesh, by faith, and not by sight. I err just as much when I serve out of guilt as when I avoid serving out of selfishness. Guilt and selfishness both stem from the sinful nature, which has been crucified with Christ. "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Practice with me: "NNnnnnnOoooo!"

Time Management?

I want to manage my time, I really do, so that I can keep my life/house/relationships in order. I am not a huge slob. My house is almost always picked up. I'm not a collector (except for scrapbook memorabilia, and that's stuffed in boxes in the cubby under my stairs). BUT my house needs some TLC-it's dusty and needs a thorough spring cleaning, which slides into fall, and then the next spring, and so on. I need to declutter some cupboards and closets, but mainly, I have lots of fix-er-up projects I want to do...and they sit on the back burner endlessly. So, thinking about all this motivates me to implement new habits to get 'er done...that is, until I start googling resources and butt up against such suggestions as: 1. track all your time (boo) 2. If you think of something and it takes under two minutes, do it right away. But I don't just think of ONE thing-so the twenty-something things I think of will actually take 40 minutes or so, so this one doesn't work out. 3. Get up an hour earlier. Nah. I NEED my beauty rest! 4. Track the "time bandits" (such as Facebook, texting, surfing the net...) But these things are more fun than chores and stuff! And so on. I basically realized that I don't want to CHANGE...I want to wave a magic wand and have things magically get done so I can focus on the stuff I like: my grandkids, writing, walking my dogs, outdoor rec, reading, knitting, facebook...fun stuff! So I conducted a Facebook (of course) poll of my friends who ARE good managers of time and household to get some tips I might like better than the above ones: 1) Set aside one night a week for cleaning. This is a good idea, except for those whose weekly schedule varies so much: I also have commitments four nights a week, plus grandkids on one or two others, which varies week to week. BUT if I really am committed, I just need to be flexible and choose to clean on whatever night I'm home and without grandkids (assuming I'm not exhausted, of course :) 2. Use flylady.net as a resource. I really like her suggestions, and she has helped tons of people, but somehow I don't get around to her suggestions, except for the shiny kitchen sink. I have done that for years, ever since I first found her website! 3. Fill sink with hot soapy water and do up dishes as you cook. Good plan. I don't procrastinate dishes much, so not a big problem with me. 4. (My favorite) My sister-in-law said that even "cleanies" don't have it all together! Ha ha! So I need to stop thinking they do. I'm going with number 4., thank-you very much!

Once again, I realize it boils down to I think I want to change, but am not very committed to the process. Which means one of two things: 1) I'm actually happy with the way things are, but just feel like I SHOULD change, or 2) My current condition isn't painful enough to force me to change.

Sigh...once again, I am my own worst enemy. On the bright side, I found a couple of great quotes today:

"The birds are molting. If only man could molt also - his mind once a year its errors, his heart once a year its useless passions." ~James Allen

The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. ~Ellen Glasgow

Get 'Er Done

I often marvel at our general tolerance of the negative habits in our lives. Self-destructive behaviors include chronic overeating, drugs, alcohol, compulsive shopping, gambling, pornography...and/or basically any other compulsive behavior that wrecks our health, wealth, relationships or happiness. Why don't we change? A few reasons come to mind: we don't realize we actually can change; we actually like living in chaos and insanity; we lack the energy or motivation to change; or we believe that we are completely trapped by our behaviors. I propose, however, that we all possess the necessary tools for change. We can get help.

For years I struggled with my emotions. I would vent (and vent, and vent) to my family and friends (I'm sure they were totally sick of me and my problems), but the venting really didn't accomplish much in the long run. I read millions of self-help books. I asked for prayer over and over again. I had so many inner healing sessions I should be given an honorary PhD in Inner Healing :) After all that, I was still an emotional wreck. So then I went to a 12-step Overcomers Anonymous group for a few weeks. Unfortunately, this particular group really didn't want to overcome anything, so my membership was short-lived. Then I went to a counselor for awhile, but she was into New Age philosophy, plus she kept telling me I was tense. Duh. FINALLY I went to my family doctor, and he very wisely suggested I might have a genetically low seratonin problem and prescribed anti-depressants. Viola! I became a new woman, and the past six years have been the most emotionally stable years of my life, thank-you Jesus!

The whole point of recounting my journey is to make a strong case for proactivity in our lives. We can continue in our same ruts and somehow expect miraculous change (which indicates insanity, according to Dr. Phil), or we can look for and try different solutions to our problems. We don't NEED to suffer from self-sabotaging behaviors, but overcoming them requires work and commitment. We can be passive and unhealthy, or we can be proactive and agents of positive change. I truly believe in doing WHATEVER it takes to confront and kill a behavior that is robbing me of health and peace. And I also KNOW that I am not alone...Christ died to SAVE me from my sins...that means I am not helpless against them. "I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me," Philippians 4:13, and:"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us," Hebrews 12:1. We CAN "get 'er done," and live the full life we were created to live.

Health Tips from Reader's Digest

As I sat waiting for my eye appointment today, pupils dialated to the size of quarters, I happened upon a great article in Reader's Digest called something like "14 things the experts wish we would all do," as near as I can remember. I will try and recall as many as I can:

 1. drink coffee...the antioxidants prevent strokes and help against dementia...cool!

 2. Eat orange veggies for skin bronzing...ones high in beta carotene such as carrots, tomatoes, yams...I think the eyes turn yellow too though...not so super attractive!

3. Sunlight in the am is way less damaging to skin than afternoon rays, because our skin in the morning is more resistant to UV rays.

 4. Eat protein in the morning for weight loss-I guess if you don't, the body compensates by getting hungry earlier after breakfast and craves crud: the expert recommended high protein chia seeds, which I had never heard of...apparently you can get them at health food stores. I guess they're good soaked and mixed with blueberries. Also greek yogurt and eggs are good sources.

 5. Eat Quinoa...a magic food apparently. I have never eaten this either.

 6. Go to bed early and get up early. People who do this eat less and thus keep trimmer than night owls. Don't get more than half your sleep after 5am, and don't eat after 8pm. I guess those who work graveyard shift are screwed.

 7. Wear blue lens glasses if you are watching TV or at a computer screen at night before bed. Apparently unfiltered emmissions from both stimulate our brains and keep us awake. Where the heck do you buy blue lens glasses-and how will they work over regular glasses?

8. Eat chocolate in the morning-wakes one up with a caffeine-like substance but doesn't have the caffeine crash later. I can dig it!

 9. Take lots of standing/walking breaks a day...as little as a one minute stand/walk every hour at a sedentary job helps tons with weight loss.

 10. Cool your head off before bed. Not by sticking it in the freezer (too many tempting ice cream treats) but by going to bed in a cool bedroom and having lots of covers...keep your head out. Or take a hot bath 30 minutes before bed and your body will naturally cool your head??? This will promote sound sleep, apparently. Sounds hokey, but who knows?

 11. Walk 45 minutes a day, 3 times a week. Tons of health/weight loss benefits, even if it's at a slow pace. Now that I believe...plus it gives me time to THINK!

12. The 20 second rule. Apparently we procrastinate mostly because of the 20 seconds it takes to begin a project. If we make that 20 seconds easy or eliminate the inertia, we will get lots more done. For example, if we want to exercise first thing in the morning, we should set our workout clothes by our bed at night, or if we need to write thank-you's, keep a stack of thank-you notes on our desk so we easily can send one or two. Not sure how this relates to health...maybe procrastination causes stress and this will alleviate said stress?

 These are all I remember, but I thought they were interesting...I plan on trying the Chia seeds and Quinoa...could always use more protein at breakfast, but if they taste like crap, I will default to waffles...

Mawage

"Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam… And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva...so tweasure your wuv.”

This "Impressive Clergyman" speech from the "Princess Bride" movie never fails to cracks me up, but within the humor lies two true messages: "bwessed...er...blessed arrangement," and
"treasure your love."

Obviously, in our culture of rampant divorce, we (collectively speaking) are NOT listening to The Impressive Clergyman! We don’t seriously consider the word, “blessed,” and we definitely don’t treasure our love. We fall in and out of "love" capriciously, as if our feelings were the measure of love. We have swallowed the pill of self-centered infatuation and called it "love at first sight," or some other such nonsense. I probably shouldn't even write this blog today; I'm far too irritated with our culture's view of love, marriage, divorce, and second, third, fourth, etc., marriages, not to mention the innocent victims: our children. Seriously people; why bother? Get a roommate or even a pet!

Most of us enter into marriage fully planning to honor our vow “until death do us part,” but when the hardships and conflict come (which THEY will, guarantee you that), we bail. We live in a disposable world, and our marriages have become just another item to chuck if it doesn’t “work out.” So why don’t marriages work out? There are lots of reasons, but the main one, I believe, is lack of understanding what the word “vow” entails. From the Bing online dictionary, vow equals: a “solemn pledge: a solemn PROMISE to perform an act, carry out an activity, or behave in a given way. “And promise is defined as: to”vow: to assure somebody that something will certainly happen or be done.” Hmmm…something is rotten in Gotham…

So essentially we are a culture of promise BREAKERS. We have our reasons of course, and I totally support divorce in the cases of abuse and incurable infidelity (and some of us have been abandoned by wayward spouses against our will), but in most cases, we need to learn to persevere. To prepare and dig in for the long haul: to honor our promise of commitment to our husband or wife.

Most of us who are married or divorced have or had a “blessed arrangement.” We promised “for better or WORSE” inside a church building, in front of a minister or priest and our family and friends. Therefore, this vow involved not only the bride and groom, but also the witnesses. We spoke our vows in the presence of others as a sacred promise-not something to break lightly even if every pore of our being cries out to be released from our pledge.

The phrase, "treasuring our love” indicates that WE treat our marriage as a precious covenant, unconditionally loving the person we married. We can choose to act in love, even when our spouse is behaving like an idiot. Not an easy task, but one we CAN do, with the grace of God. Just as witnesses testify in court to tell the truth, “so help me God,” our vows can be upheld with the help of God. So the next time you’re tempted to bump your spouse off a nearby cliff, remember you PROMISED to love him/her until “DEATH do you part”... which, however, doesn’t include murder! :)

Blessed (NOT!) are the Easily Offended

Let's admit it: relationships are HARD. They're even harder for the self-focused. Most of us are selfish to a degree, and we realize it, but what we may not understand is that our tendency to be easily offended is just another manifestation of selfishness. Most of us don't want to admit this. We want to nurse the slights from others and exact every ounce of self-righteousness from them. This is a flawed mindset that places us at the center of the universe. ALL of the people in our lives WILL hurt us at some point; they are fallible human beings just like we are, and blaming them for hurting us, ignoring us, shafting us, etc. is completely pointless and self-sabotaging. Much of the time they offend us inadvertently, simply a side effect of following their own agenda.

We must seize exclusive responsibility for our own moods, feelings, insecurities, actions and motives. No one can "make" us do or feel anything. We can allow others to control, manipulate or push us into feeling badly about ourselves, or we can own our own thoughts, feelings and reactions. As we mature, we (ideally) should move away from sensitivity to criticism, rejection, people-pleasing and the like.

Take an inventory. What's your mood like most of the time? What do you attribute it to? If you generally blame it on someone else, you're traveling down a victimization and/or codependent path. Your thought life is killing you. Recently I was informed that I had inadvertently offended three people (by three separate actions!). I was floored; I had no idea I possessed so much power! I spent about an hour stewing over how I could repair the relationships, but coming to my senses, I realized that my actions were not directed toward the individuals, and if each of them were operating in a healthy mindset, they would not have taken offense. So I let it go; I'm allowing them to be offended. I'm allowing them to CHOOSE to be hurt or angry with me. Now if any of these people had the courage to confront me about my actions and how they felt about them, I would apologize for unknowingly causing offense, but just hearing it secondhand, I'm going to let sleeping dogs lie.

It's time to stop viewing every encounter through a one-way lens. It's time to get on with life and stop allowing the opinions and actions of others to derail us emotionally. As some wise person once said, "You're not up for vote!" Let's be free.

What's Your Animal?

I've always been fascinated by personality typing. Whether it's Myers-Briggs, Galen, DiSC, Enneagram, Hippocrates, Keirsey, or even the Smalley-Trent Animal classifications; I LOVE figuring out what makes people tick! I know some party poopers are annoyed by this, belittling such narrow "pigeon holing," but really, I believe in the useful exercise of personality classification. In fact, the state organization I work for holds leadership training courses, and one aspect of that training uses the Myers-Briggs personality assessment to train leaders to understand their own personalities and work with other "types."

My personal favorite classification array, I, (ahem!), "invented." I borrowed Disney's Winnie-the-Pooh characters and matched them with the Galen system of personalities, which are derived from Hippocrates four temperments or "humors" based on BODY FLUIDS, of all nasty things. Very interesting if you want to google it :) Anyway, back to Winnie-the-Pooh...the phlegmatic or kind, laid back one is Pooh, of course, the sanguine or social, happy performer corresponds with Tigger, Rabbit is the get 'er done, at times overbearing, choleric leader, and Eeyore the thoughtful,creative, if sometimes despondant, melancholy type.  One year when I was a church youth group leader, I gave a talk on these Pooh-erific personality types, administered a test to the kids, and then gave them all stickers of their character to wear. We had fun with it, and hopefully they learned a bit about understanding themselves and others.

 WHY is this stuff good to know? I'm glad you asked! We spend much of our life in conflict of some sort-whether it's internal irritation or full blown, knock-down, drag-outs-in many of our relationships. Some days it's an overbearing boss, manipulative friend, or rude customer irking the snot out of us, other days our rebellious teen, needy sister, or offended spouse ticks us off. We all must interact with people, usually on a daily basis, unless of course you're lucky enough to be a rich and weird hermit.

 So comprehending that there exists more than one way of looking at the world can help us better smooth the edges of personality clashes and potential conflicts. For instance, my husband is sort of a blend of Rabbit and Eeyore, and I have to remind myself not to take his bossiness and "glass half full" mentality (or maybe even completely empty!) personally. I am a Rabbit/Tigger blend. I love to have fun, but if there isn't anyone in charge, I'll grab the reins, not always to everyone's delight, unfortunately!

 We are not wired wrong, BUT neither are the folks in our lives. We can understand and accept ourselves, but also expand to accept the bent of another person, especially our children, and not try to force them into the same mold we came out of. Remember, variety is the spice of life...say that to yourself whenever someone else's weirdness nearly sends you over the edge. :)