Blessed (NOT!) are the Easily Offended

Let's admit it: relationships are HARD. They're even harder for the self-focused. Most of us are selfish to a degree, and we realize it, but what we may not understand is that our tendency to be easily offended is just another manifestation of selfishness. Most of us don't want to admit this. We want to nurse the slights from others and exact every ounce of self-righteousness from them. This is a flawed mindset that places us at the center of the universe. ALL of the people in our lives WILL hurt us at some point; they are fallible human beings just like we are, and blaming them for hurting us, ignoring us, shafting us, etc. is completely pointless and self-sabotaging. Much of the time they offend us inadvertently, simply a side effect of following their own agenda.

We must seize exclusive responsibility for our own moods, feelings, insecurities, actions and motives. No one can "make" us do or feel anything. We can allow others to control, manipulate or push us into feeling badly about ourselves, or we can own our own thoughts, feelings and reactions. As we mature, we (ideally) should move away from sensitivity to criticism, rejection, people-pleasing and the like.

Take an inventory. What's your mood like most of the time? What do you attribute it to? If you generally blame it on someone else, you're traveling down a victimization and/or codependent path. Your thought life is killing you. Recently I was informed that I had inadvertently offended three people (by three separate actions!). I was floored; I had no idea I possessed so much power! I spent about an hour stewing over how I could repair the relationships, but coming to my senses, I realized that my actions were not directed toward the individuals, and if each of them were operating in a healthy mindset, they would not have taken offense. So I let it go; I'm allowing them to be offended. I'm allowing them to CHOOSE to be hurt or angry with me. Now if any of these people had the courage to confront me about my actions and how they felt about them, I would apologize for unknowingly causing offense, but just hearing it secondhand, I'm going to let sleeping dogs lie.

It's time to stop viewing every encounter through a one-way lens. It's time to get on with life and stop allowing the opinions and actions of others to derail us emotionally. As some wise person once said, "You're not up for vote!" Let's be free.

What's Your Animal?

I've always been fascinated by personality typing. Whether it's Myers-Briggs, Galen, DiSC, Enneagram, Hippocrates, Keirsey, or even the Smalley-Trent Animal classifications; I LOVE figuring out what makes people tick! I know some party poopers are annoyed by this, belittling such narrow "pigeon holing," but really, I believe in the useful exercise of personality classification. In fact, the state organization I work for holds leadership training courses, and one aspect of that training uses the Myers-Briggs personality assessment to train leaders to understand their own personalities and work with other "types."

My personal favorite classification array, I, (ahem!), "invented." I borrowed Disney's Winnie-the-Pooh characters and matched them with the Galen system of personalities, which are derived from Hippocrates four temperments or "humors" based on BODY FLUIDS, of all nasty things. Very interesting if you want to google it :) Anyway, back to Winnie-the-Pooh...the phlegmatic or kind, laid back one is Pooh, of course, the sanguine or social, happy performer corresponds with Tigger, Rabbit is the get 'er done, at times overbearing, choleric leader, and Eeyore the thoughtful,creative, if sometimes despondant, melancholy type.  One year when I was a church youth group leader, I gave a talk on these Pooh-erific personality types, administered a test to the kids, and then gave them all stickers of their character to wear. We had fun with it, and hopefully they learned a bit about understanding themselves and others.

 WHY is this stuff good to know? I'm glad you asked! We spend much of our life in conflict of some sort-whether it's internal irritation or full blown, knock-down, drag-outs-in many of our relationships. Some days it's an overbearing boss, manipulative friend, or rude customer irking the snot out of us, other days our rebellious teen, needy sister, or offended spouse ticks us off. We all must interact with people, usually on a daily basis, unless of course you're lucky enough to be a rich and weird hermit.

 So comprehending that there exists more than one way of looking at the world can help us better smooth the edges of personality clashes and potential conflicts. For instance, my husband is sort of a blend of Rabbit and Eeyore, and I have to remind myself not to take his bossiness and "glass half full" mentality (or maybe even completely empty!) personally. I am a Rabbit/Tigger blend. I love to have fun, but if there isn't anyone in charge, I'll grab the reins, not always to everyone's delight, unfortunately!

 We are not wired wrong, BUT neither are the folks in our lives. We can understand and accept ourselves, but also expand to accept the bent of another person, especially our children, and not try to force them into the same mold we came out of. Remember, variety is the spice of life...say that to yourself whenever someone else's weirdness nearly sends you over the edge. :)