Over Commitment

Recently I found myself at a familiar place in my life again: the valley of over commitment. On the surface, my schedule didn't really appear packed, and it wasn't until I took time to write it down that I saw the main problem: the only evenings free at home were weekends, and for this homebody, that ain't enough! My mood suffered with increasing anger and resentment. I resorted to blaming other people for daring to ask me to do anything-for FORCING me to either accept another commitment, or the far scarier option. to utter the evil word, "NO."

After some practical advice from my hubby and a helpful friend, I whittled some otherwise beneficial activities out of my schedule, said "no" to a few people, and determined to refuse any new activities. Whew-I feel much better! I'm happier, less annoyed by interruptions, and much nicer at work...which I'm sure both my customers and co-workers appreciate.

The deeper question, however, remains: what is it about saying "no" that scares me? I think it started in childhood-saying "no" didn't fly with the parental units. Then as a teen, I stupidly acquired a controlling boyfriend who couldn't accept the N-word. And then, as a young married woman, I attended my first marital bible study, one which advocated the law of absolute wifely submission (read: obedience) to husbands. I have since determined that directive is a lie from the pit of Hell :) So my unused "no-muscle" atrophied over the years, and even though I've improved significantly in my middle-age, I still succumb to guilt-driven yeses. I generally feel like a bad Christian if I ignore or refuse a genuine need, though my mind screams out Jesus' truth: "the poor you always have with you," (Matthew 26:11a).

Demands for my time, money, compassion, etc will always exist, but I'm not always called to that particular need. Once again, I'm challenged to walk by the Spirit, not by the flesh, by faith, and not by sight. I err just as much when I serve out of guilt as when I avoid serving out of selfishness. Guilt and selfishness both stem from the sinful nature, which has been crucified with Christ. "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Practice with me: "NNnnnnnOoooo!"

Time Management?

I want to manage my time, I really do, so that I can keep my life/house/relationships in order. I am not a huge slob. My house is almost always picked up. I'm not a collector (except for scrapbook memorabilia, and that's stuffed in boxes in the cubby under my stairs). BUT my house needs some TLC-it's dusty and needs a thorough spring cleaning, which slides into fall, and then the next spring, and so on. I need to declutter some cupboards and closets, but mainly, I have lots of fix-er-up projects I want to do...and they sit on the back burner endlessly. So, thinking about all this motivates me to implement new habits to get 'er done...that is, until I start googling resources and butt up against such suggestions as: 1. track all your time (boo) 2. If you think of something and it takes under two minutes, do it right away. But I don't just think of ONE thing-so the twenty-something things I think of will actually take 40 minutes or so, so this one doesn't work out. 3. Get up an hour earlier. Nah. I NEED my beauty rest! 4. Track the "time bandits" (such as Facebook, texting, surfing the net...) But these things are more fun than chores and stuff! And so on. I basically realized that I don't want to CHANGE...I want to wave a magic wand and have things magically get done so I can focus on the stuff I like: my grandkids, writing, walking my dogs, outdoor rec, reading, knitting, facebook...fun stuff! So I conducted a Facebook (of course) poll of my friends who ARE good managers of time and household to get some tips I might like better than the above ones: 1) Set aside one night a week for cleaning. This is a good idea, except for those whose weekly schedule varies so much: I also have commitments four nights a week, plus grandkids on one or two others, which varies week to week. BUT if I really am committed, I just need to be flexible and choose to clean on whatever night I'm home and without grandkids (assuming I'm not exhausted, of course :) 2. Use flylady.net as a resource. I really like her suggestions, and she has helped tons of people, but somehow I don't get around to her suggestions, except for the shiny kitchen sink. I have done that for years, ever since I first found her website! 3. Fill sink with hot soapy water and do up dishes as you cook. Good plan. I don't procrastinate dishes much, so not a big problem with me. 4. (My favorite) My sister-in-law said that even "cleanies" don't have it all together! Ha ha! So I need to stop thinking they do. I'm going with number 4., thank-you very much!

Once again, I realize it boils down to I think I want to change, but am not very committed to the process. Which means one of two things: 1) I'm actually happy with the way things are, but just feel like I SHOULD change, or 2) My current condition isn't painful enough to force me to change.

Sigh...once again, I am my own worst enemy. On the bright side, I found a couple of great quotes today:

"The birds are molting. If only man could molt also - his mind once a year its errors, his heart once a year its useless passions." ~James Allen

The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. ~Ellen Glasgow

Get 'Er Done

I often marvel at our general tolerance of the negative habits in our lives. Self-destructive behaviors include chronic overeating, drugs, alcohol, compulsive shopping, gambling, pornography...and/or basically any other compulsive behavior that wrecks our health, wealth, relationships or happiness. Why don't we change? A few reasons come to mind: we don't realize we actually can change; we actually like living in chaos and insanity; we lack the energy or motivation to change; or we believe that we are completely trapped by our behaviors. I propose, however, that we all possess the necessary tools for change. We can get help.

For years I struggled with my emotions. I would vent (and vent, and vent) to my family and friends (I'm sure they were totally sick of me and my problems), but the venting really didn't accomplish much in the long run. I read millions of self-help books. I asked for prayer over and over again. I had so many inner healing sessions I should be given an honorary PhD in Inner Healing :) After all that, I was still an emotional wreck. So then I went to a 12-step Overcomers Anonymous group for a few weeks. Unfortunately, this particular group really didn't want to overcome anything, so my membership was short-lived. Then I went to a counselor for awhile, but she was into New Age philosophy, plus she kept telling me I was tense. Duh. FINALLY I went to my family doctor, and he very wisely suggested I might have a genetically low seratonin problem and prescribed anti-depressants. Viola! I became a new woman, and the past six years have been the most emotionally stable years of my life, thank-you Jesus!

The whole point of recounting my journey is to make a strong case for proactivity in our lives. We can continue in our same ruts and somehow expect miraculous change (which indicates insanity, according to Dr. Phil), or we can look for and try different solutions to our problems. We don't NEED to suffer from self-sabotaging behaviors, but overcoming them requires work and commitment. We can be passive and unhealthy, or we can be proactive and agents of positive change. I truly believe in doing WHATEVER it takes to confront and kill a behavior that is robbing me of health and peace. And I also KNOW that I am not alone...Christ died to SAVE me from my sins...that means I am not helpless against them. "I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me," Philippians 4:13, and:"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us," Hebrews 12:1. We CAN "get 'er done," and live the full life we were created to live.

Health Tips from Reader's Digest

As I sat waiting for my eye appointment today, pupils dialated to the size of quarters, I happened upon a great article in Reader's Digest called something like "14 things the experts wish we would all do," as near as I can remember. I will try and recall as many as I can:

 1. drink coffee...the antioxidants prevent strokes and help against dementia...cool!

 2. Eat orange veggies for skin bronzing...ones high in beta carotene such as carrots, tomatoes, yams...I think the eyes turn yellow too though...not so super attractive!

3. Sunlight in the am is way less damaging to skin than afternoon rays, because our skin in the morning is more resistant to UV rays.

 4. Eat protein in the morning for weight loss-I guess if you don't, the body compensates by getting hungry earlier after breakfast and craves crud: the expert recommended high protein chia seeds, which I had never heard of...apparently you can get them at health food stores. I guess they're good soaked and mixed with blueberries. Also greek yogurt and eggs are good sources.

 5. Eat Quinoa...a magic food apparently. I have never eaten this either.

 6. Go to bed early and get up early. People who do this eat less and thus keep trimmer than night owls. Don't get more than half your sleep after 5am, and don't eat after 8pm. I guess those who work graveyard shift are screwed.

 7. Wear blue lens glasses if you are watching TV or at a computer screen at night before bed. Apparently unfiltered emmissions from both stimulate our brains and keep us awake. Where the heck do you buy blue lens glasses-and how will they work over regular glasses?

8. Eat chocolate in the morning-wakes one up with a caffeine-like substance but doesn't have the caffeine crash later. I can dig it!

 9. Take lots of standing/walking breaks a day...as little as a one minute stand/walk every hour at a sedentary job helps tons with weight loss.

 10. Cool your head off before bed. Not by sticking it in the freezer (too many tempting ice cream treats) but by going to bed in a cool bedroom and having lots of covers...keep your head out. Or take a hot bath 30 minutes before bed and your body will naturally cool your head??? This will promote sound sleep, apparently. Sounds hokey, but who knows?

 11. Walk 45 minutes a day, 3 times a week. Tons of health/weight loss benefits, even if it's at a slow pace. Now that I believe...plus it gives me time to THINK!

12. The 20 second rule. Apparently we procrastinate mostly because of the 20 seconds it takes to begin a project. If we make that 20 seconds easy or eliminate the inertia, we will get lots more done. For example, if we want to exercise first thing in the morning, we should set our workout clothes by our bed at night, or if we need to write thank-you's, keep a stack of thank-you notes on our desk so we easily can send one or two. Not sure how this relates to health...maybe procrastination causes stress and this will alleviate said stress?

 These are all I remember, but I thought they were interesting...I plan on trying the Chia seeds and Quinoa...could always use more protein at breakfast, but if they taste like crap, I will default to waffles...

Mawage

"Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam… And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva...so tweasure your wuv.”

This "Impressive Clergyman" speech from the "Princess Bride" movie never fails to cracks me up, but within the humor lies two true messages: "bwessed...er...blessed arrangement," and
"treasure your love."

Obviously, in our culture of rampant divorce, we (collectively speaking) are NOT listening to The Impressive Clergyman! We don’t seriously consider the word, “blessed,” and we definitely don’t treasure our love. We fall in and out of "love" capriciously, as if our feelings were the measure of love. We have swallowed the pill of self-centered infatuation and called it "love at first sight," or some other such nonsense. I probably shouldn't even write this blog today; I'm far too irritated with our culture's view of love, marriage, divorce, and second, third, fourth, etc., marriages, not to mention the innocent victims: our children. Seriously people; why bother? Get a roommate or even a pet!

Most of us enter into marriage fully planning to honor our vow “until death do us part,” but when the hardships and conflict come (which THEY will, guarantee you that), we bail. We live in a disposable world, and our marriages have become just another item to chuck if it doesn’t “work out.” So why don’t marriages work out? There are lots of reasons, but the main one, I believe, is lack of understanding what the word “vow” entails. From the Bing online dictionary, vow equals: a “solemn pledge: a solemn PROMISE to perform an act, carry out an activity, or behave in a given way. “And promise is defined as: to”vow: to assure somebody that something will certainly happen or be done.” Hmmm…something is rotten in Gotham…

So essentially we are a culture of promise BREAKERS. We have our reasons of course, and I totally support divorce in the cases of abuse and incurable infidelity (and some of us have been abandoned by wayward spouses against our will), but in most cases, we need to learn to persevere. To prepare and dig in for the long haul: to honor our promise of commitment to our husband or wife.

Most of us who are married or divorced have or had a “blessed arrangement.” We promised “for better or WORSE” inside a church building, in front of a minister or priest and our family and friends. Therefore, this vow involved not only the bride and groom, but also the witnesses. We spoke our vows in the presence of others as a sacred promise-not something to break lightly even if every pore of our being cries out to be released from our pledge.

The phrase, "treasuring our love” indicates that WE treat our marriage as a precious covenant, unconditionally loving the person we married. We can choose to act in love, even when our spouse is behaving like an idiot. Not an easy task, but one we CAN do, with the grace of God. Just as witnesses testify in court to tell the truth, “so help me God,” our vows can be upheld with the help of God. So the next time you’re tempted to bump your spouse off a nearby cliff, remember you PROMISED to love him/her until “DEATH do you part”... which, however, doesn’t include murder! :)

Blessed (NOT!) are the Easily Offended

Let's admit it: relationships are HARD. They're even harder for the self-focused. Most of us are selfish to a degree, and we realize it, but what we may not understand is that our tendency to be easily offended is just another manifestation of selfishness. Most of us don't want to admit this. We want to nurse the slights from others and exact every ounce of self-righteousness from them. This is a flawed mindset that places us at the center of the universe. ALL of the people in our lives WILL hurt us at some point; they are fallible human beings just like we are, and blaming them for hurting us, ignoring us, shafting us, etc. is completely pointless and self-sabotaging. Much of the time they offend us inadvertently, simply a side effect of following their own agenda.

We must seize exclusive responsibility for our own moods, feelings, insecurities, actions and motives. No one can "make" us do or feel anything. We can allow others to control, manipulate or push us into feeling badly about ourselves, or we can own our own thoughts, feelings and reactions. As we mature, we (ideally) should move away from sensitivity to criticism, rejection, people-pleasing and the like.

Take an inventory. What's your mood like most of the time? What do you attribute it to? If you generally blame it on someone else, you're traveling down a victimization and/or codependent path. Your thought life is killing you. Recently I was informed that I had inadvertently offended three people (by three separate actions!). I was floored; I had no idea I possessed so much power! I spent about an hour stewing over how I could repair the relationships, but coming to my senses, I realized that my actions were not directed toward the individuals, and if each of them were operating in a healthy mindset, they would not have taken offense. So I let it go; I'm allowing them to be offended. I'm allowing them to CHOOSE to be hurt or angry with me. Now if any of these people had the courage to confront me about my actions and how they felt about them, I would apologize for unknowingly causing offense, but just hearing it secondhand, I'm going to let sleeping dogs lie.

It's time to stop viewing every encounter through a one-way lens. It's time to get on with life and stop allowing the opinions and actions of others to derail us emotionally. As some wise person once said, "You're not up for vote!" Let's be free.

What's Your Animal?

I've always been fascinated by personality typing. Whether it's Myers-Briggs, Galen, DiSC, Enneagram, Hippocrates, Keirsey, or even the Smalley-Trent Animal classifications; I LOVE figuring out what makes people tick! I know some party poopers are annoyed by this, belittling such narrow "pigeon holing," but really, I believe in the useful exercise of personality classification. In fact, the state organization I work for holds leadership training courses, and one aspect of that training uses the Myers-Briggs personality assessment to train leaders to understand their own personalities and work with other "types."

My personal favorite classification array, I, (ahem!), "invented." I borrowed Disney's Winnie-the-Pooh characters and matched them with the Galen system of personalities, which are derived from Hippocrates four temperments or "humors" based on BODY FLUIDS, of all nasty things. Very interesting if you want to google it :) Anyway, back to Winnie-the-Pooh...the phlegmatic or kind, laid back one is Pooh, of course, the sanguine or social, happy performer corresponds with Tigger, Rabbit is the get 'er done, at times overbearing, choleric leader, and Eeyore the thoughtful,creative, if sometimes despondant, melancholy type.  One year when I was a church youth group leader, I gave a talk on these Pooh-erific personality types, administered a test to the kids, and then gave them all stickers of their character to wear. We had fun with it, and hopefully they learned a bit about understanding themselves and others.

 WHY is this stuff good to know? I'm glad you asked! We spend much of our life in conflict of some sort-whether it's internal irritation or full blown, knock-down, drag-outs-in many of our relationships. Some days it's an overbearing boss, manipulative friend, or rude customer irking the snot out of us, other days our rebellious teen, needy sister, or offended spouse ticks us off. We all must interact with people, usually on a daily basis, unless of course you're lucky enough to be a rich and weird hermit.

 So comprehending that there exists more than one way of looking at the world can help us better smooth the edges of personality clashes and potential conflicts. For instance, my husband is sort of a blend of Rabbit and Eeyore, and I have to remind myself not to take his bossiness and "glass half full" mentality (or maybe even completely empty!) personally. I am a Rabbit/Tigger blend. I love to have fun, but if there isn't anyone in charge, I'll grab the reins, not always to everyone's delight, unfortunately!

 We are not wired wrong, BUT neither are the folks in our lives. We can understand and accept ourselves, but also expand to accept the bent of another person, especially our children, and not try to force them into the same mold we came out of. Remember, variety is the spice of life...say that to yourself whenever someone else's weirdness nearly sends you over the edge. :)