Beeeee Proactive...

I love the natural world and the many spiritual lessons it provides.  Honeybees are a great example of this. Have you ever closely watched a hive?  My husband is a beekeeper and he constantly points out to me how hardworking and resourceful his bees are. Barring disease and the death of the queen, not much slows them down. They keep the nectar and pollen coming in, kick out and even kill the males (called drones, who only have ONE job: to mate with and fertilize the queen) so as to keep the freeloading to a minimum, and use their tiny wings as airconditioners and heaters to keep the queen and brood alive both summer and winter.  To say that bees are proactive is a understatement!

Proactivity is defined as: "serving to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, especially a negative or difficult one."

The opposite or antonym of proactivity is passivity, defined as: "opposed to activity; the tendency of a body to remain in a given state, either of motion or rest, till disturbed by another body; inertia; inactivity; lack of initiative; submission to others or to outside influences"

Our culture trains us to be passive in many ways: media and entertainment, fast food, social programs, just to name a few.  We also have an epidemic of blame-shifting and responsiblity-shirking, as well as magical thinking.  Until we admit and own our "stuff" and make a plan to overcome our self sabotage, we will continue to be mired.

What causes passivity?  I think fear and negative conditioning are the two main ones. Laziness runs a close third. So how do we overcome these hindrances?

The first step is to PRAY! Ask God for help. Ask Him to empower you, give you wisdom as He has promised to do so in James 1:5:

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

The second step is to brainstorm solutions; write them down!  Many solutions can be found by surfing the net, reading books by experts, etc. Pick one solution.  Third, break down the solution into numbered steps, and by each step, write down a date when you WILL accomplish this.  Fourth, enlist a buddy as an accountability partner.  Give him or her your list.

Here's an example. Say you are in debt. You want to get out of debt and start saving money.  PRAY! Ask for God's help to have self control, to identify areas you overspend, and to give you solutions to your money problems.  Read some books/websites by financial experts.  Pick a solution: for example, draw up a budget.  Write down the steps to making a budget.  If step one is: track spending, start that the next day. If the second step is "bring lunch to work rather than eating out," put a date when you will do that.  Then have your buddy check in with you to find out if you are on schedule. And so on.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “So much attention is paid to the aggressive sins, such as violence and cruelty and greed with all their tragic effects, that too little attention is paid to the passive sins, such as apathy and laziness, which in the long run can have a more devastating effect.” Amen?

When Food is Love, by Geneen Roth

This could be a life altering book, if we let it.  Geneen Roth has grand insight into the compulsion of overeating, and I want to share some brilliant excerpts:

"Love and compulsion cannot coexist.  Love is the willingness and ability to be affected...and to allow that effect to make a difference in what you do, say, become.  Compulsion is the act of wrapping ourselves around an activity, a substance, or a person to survive, to tolerate and numb our experience of the moment.  Love is a state of connectedness, one that includes vulnerability, surrender, self-valuing, steadiness, adn a willingness to face, rather than run from, the worst of ourseelves.  Compulsion is a state of isolation, one that includes self-absorption, invulnerability, low self-esteem, unpredictability, and fear that if we faced our pain, it would destroy us.  Love expands; compulsion diminishes. Compulsion leaves no room for love-which is, in fact, why many people started eating: because when there was room for love, the people around us were not loving. The very purpose of compulsion is to protect ourselves from the pain associated with love."

"We become compulsive about food because we have something to hide. Something we believe is worse than being fat or eating compulsively. The process of breaking free from compulsive eating is one of keeping steady with food so we can discover what we are hiding. But until we believe that compulsive eating means something, until we stop shrugging it off as an acceptable obsession that can be fixed with will power, a protein shake, or the cut of a surgeon's knife, until we realize that compulsion is the cast, not the wound, until we realize we are dying, we will not have the information we need to decide to live."

"....compulsive eaters die a little every time they eat compulsively. The choice is the same for all of us-alcoholics, drug addicts, cigarette smokers, compulsive eaters: Do I want to live while I'm alive and embrace what sustains me or do I want to die while I'm alive and embrace what destroys me? If I choose life, where do I need to heal? What are my secrets? what pieces of me have I been unwilling to recognize? What images, what nightmares, what words am I most afraid to speak?"

“Compulsion is despair on the emotional level. The substances, people, or activities that we become compulsive about are those that we believe capable of taking our despair away…. Compulsive behavior, at its most fundamental, is a lack of self-love; it is an expression of a belief that we are not good enough.”

Ms. Roth tells the story of a friend (Clara) who had a eight-year old client:  "who had been on a diet for two years and had gained fourteen pounds in the process. In desperation, [the child's mother] consulted Clara; Clara asked what her daughter's favorite food was. 'M&Ms,' the mother replied.

'Good. I want you to leave here and buy enough M&Ms to fill a pillow case. After you've done that, give the filled pillowcase to your daughter and let her eat the candy whenever she wants. As soon as the supply is diminished, refill it. Make sure she always has a full pillowcase of M&Ms. Take her off the diet, let her eat whatever she wants when she is hungry, and call me in a week'...[the girl] carried the pillowcase of M&Ms around with her for eight days. She slept with it, she set it beside the tub when she took a bath, she put it in a chair when she watched television. And, of course, she helped herself to M&Ms whenever she wanted them. Which, the first few days, was very often. In fact, after her mother brought three more pounds of M&Ms on the third day of this sugar-coated experience, she was ready to sue Clara. In a hysterical phone call, she told her that her child was eating more candy than ever before and how the hell was she supposed to lose weight doing this? Clara reassured her that her daughter was reacting to the years of deprivation and that when she believed, really believed, that she could eat whatever she wanted and that her mother was not waiting to snatch her pillowcase away, she would relax and begin eating from stomach hunger. On the ninth day, the pillowcase stayed in the bedroom. By the end of five weeks, her daughter had forgotten the M&Ms and had lost six pounds."

 Geneen Roth spent most of her young adult life dieting: losing and gaining 1000 pounds over the 20 some years she dieted. She conducted an experiment and completely gave up dieting, resulting in losing all her excess weight over a course of several months, and she has maintained her natural weight for over 30 years. She then became an author and speaker, and has held workshops and retreats all over the country for many years instructing others how to become free of the the tyranny of food obsession. She developed her eating guidelines:

1. Eat when you are hungry.
2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.
3. Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.
4. Eat what your body wants.
5. Eat until you are satisfied.
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto, and pleasure.”

I like this lady!

The CHANGE is Good????

I apologize in advance for any of my readers with delicate sensibilities, but the bottom line here is that most of us endure "Viagra" and other male sex-enhancing drug TV commercials on a daily basis, so I think a frank discussion about menopause shouldn't rock our worlds too badly! In fact, it's high time we discuss this phenomenon that will affect at least 50 percent of the population somewhere between age 35 and 55, roughly speaking (and using the trickle-down theory, 100percent of the population, because we all know that when Mama ain't happy, ain't no body happy-and that includes the single gals and their social circle!

Technically, I'm talking about PERImenopause-the 5-15 years of hormonal flux before the actual event of menopause (complete cessation of monthly cycles), and this is the danger zone. Last summer I found myself overcome with extreme fatigue, aching muscles and joints, nightly sweats that drenched two sets of pj's AND bedding, and a totally belligerent personality (not totally out of character, however...) Anyway, I was sure I had some horrible disease, such as Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Rheumatoid arthritis, or some fatal combination of the three, and the two testosterone-laden dudes I live with (one my adult son-I'm NOT a bigamist) kept remarking that all I did was sleep (in between necessary obligations like work and such)! It wasn't until I googled and googled my eyeballs out, however, that I finally started discovering what ailed me.

Once I diagnosed myself (I should have a medical degree for all the internet research I've done over the years!), I first tried natural remedies-herbs, over-the-counter creams and pills- and when those were mostly ineffective, my health-care provider (a nurse-midwife) supplied me with hormonal help in the form of "bio-identical" progesterone cream and then capsules when the cream wouldn't cut it. That therapy initially saved my sanity, but it wasn't long before I relapsed into last summer's misery. I begged the nurse-midwife for anything-I didn't care if it caused cancer, stroke, Alzheimer's disease, was illegal or immoral...I needed SOMETHING (sort of like going through labor and begging for something stronger than the typical placebo-ish painkillers). She put me on birth control pills, and after 2 weeks of even worse misery (a headache that bordered on unbearable), Hallelujah!, my suffering dropped from an 8 to a 3, like magic! It actually occurred about 3pm last Tuesday afternoon, literally.

Of course I now have to endure the anti-HT (hormone therapy) naturalists, but I just give them a look that would wither Hitler (belligerance can be learned and stored up for later ammunition), and rattle off several books they need to readbefore I will deign to enter into discussion with them. Knowledge is power, ladies, and here's a list of the great, BALANCED books that will open your eyes and help you sort out what you need to do to survive this necessary, but often turbulent and painful time...sort of like reliving your teenage years. Here is my (growing) book list:

Could it be...Perimenopause? by Goldstein and Ashner
The Pause by Dr. Lonnie Barbach (older book, but still wonderful AND essential)
Is is Hot in Here, or is it me? by Kantrowitz and Kelly
Menopause Sucks by Joanne Kimes
Menopause Matters by Dr. Edelman
HRT: Everything you Need to know... by Tara Parker-Pope

I do have to point out that there are numerous women who sail through the whole menopause thing without so much as a bump in the road, but as someone on the other end of that enviable spectrum, I NEEDED help, or I was going to leave home, become a drug addict, and check myself into a mental hospital, making sure I had a green card and morphine to treat my condition.

Additionally, many of us have been poisoned by the 2001 Women's Health Initiative Study that completely scared the world in regards to Hormone Therapy. But if you read even one or two of the above listed books, you will find that many of the conclusions that study reached are not entirely valid, and in some cases actually wrong. For example, the average age of women in the WHI study was mid-60's and well past menopause. Those are not the women who are suffering/needing HT for five or less years to survive perimenopause. Researchers began to look at the results of the younger women in the study, and the conclusions drawn from that subset vary dramatically from the older subset. Another controversy you'll encounter once you dig into HT involves the conflict over "bio-identical" vs. synthetic treatments. Once again, as a scientifically-minded person who needs solid research to believe any claims, I have to say that there is NO scientific basis proving that "bio-identical" hormone therapy is safer or more effective than synthetic treatments, period. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Suzanne Somers!

Happy hormones, ladies (and gents)!

Nifty Things I Now Know at Fifty

Rather than mourn the loss of my twenties, thirties, and now FORTIES (!), I decided to write what half a century on this earth has taught me. Nifty stuff I wish I knew when I was twenty- and thirty-something, raising small children, and forty-something, raising teenagers.

This is not an exhaustive list, and I jot it down in no particular order:

1. Over-achievers/perfectionists punish not only ourselves, but our children and spouses too. I feel serious remorse for how I hounded my kids to do things RIGHT--not half-assed (my father's terminology). Which leads to number two:

2. Sometimes half-assed is good enough :) I wouldn't want my brain operated on by a surgeon with this philosophy, but let's face it: Not everything is brain surgery! Not every task has to be done really well; we simply don't have time and energy to put forth our best effort for every single thing. Messy pancakes taste just fine. Exercising a little and sloppily is better than not at all. Speed folding laundry works. My husband's lame-o dishwashing and vacuuming is better than him not doing it :)

3. It's ok to disappoint people. They will have to get over it. You can never please everyone, so don't stress about it.

4. Sleep enough. You'll live longer and healthier.

5. Exercise is necessary, but manic exercise is not (and it's not even safe). Joints have to last you around 80 years or better. Moderate exercise is best. Trust me: I'm 50 and wish I would have been easier on my ankles, hips and wrists when I was in my 20's.

6. Food is meant to be enjoyed and it is morally neutral. It is not unethical to eat instant spuds and twinkies. But...

7. Food is not love or drugs. Treating it that way will harm you.

8. Ultra cleanliness is harmful. Children raised by bleach-mamas have poor immune systems.

9. The opposite of ultra cleanliness is pigdom, which is harmful as well. Which leads to:

10. Stuff is not love. Hoarding is bad for your health. It attracts rodents and bugs which carry diseases and smell bad.

11. My list of to-do tasks will never end. No use fretting over that fact.

12. My house will always look worse than I think it should. So what?

13. I will always be fatter than I wish I were. Again, so what?

14. Outward beauty fades...replace with ever-increasing inner beauty.

15. Everything in moderation. Well, everything legal and moral: sweets, alcohol, exercise, work, friends, shopping, recreation, etc.

16. Money (and the stuff it can buy/adventures it can fund) is NOT worth sacrificing your children and health to.

17. Debt is bad. Avoid it.

18. When you are in your 20's and 30's you are supposed to be poor. Don't expect a fancy house and cool car. See number 17.

19. Go outside a lot.

20. You will get over it. Whatever it is.

21. Most of us, male and female, need nutritional supplements as we don't get 'em in in our food and live a looooonnnnng time(think calcium and vitamin D).

22. Sometimes natural supplements don't cut it. That's when I bring in the big guns(meds)!

23. Unsolicited advice is very irritating. Try not to give it.

24. We only have today, period.

25. Back up your computer (I learned this the hard way).

26. God's opinion of me is the only one that really counts.

27. Guilt tripping myself doesn't work.

28. Not everything is my problem.

29. I need nights off at home with no obligations.

30. I will forget these things from time to time and will have to relearn them :)

Sometimes you gotta rip out the old...

I have finally given up. The carpet in our weight room slash doggy sleep room has to go. I have cleaned it with everything: Doggy doo doo beGONE shampoo, baking soda, FeBreeze, Carpet Fresh, vinegar water (which only succeeded in making it smell like pickled dog turd), etc. The odor is trapped in the pad and sadly, the only cure is to pull it up and throw it out (which won't happen until our old dogs are gone...no use throwing good carpet before swine...er dogs).

Metaphorically speaking, sometimes life's crappy (excuse the pun) carpets need tossing as well. Smelly rugs comes in many forms: a friendship gone sour, a financially draining business, a job causing undue stress and unhappiness, or a relative in need of some tough love. Solomon wisely wrote that there is "a time to keep and a time to throw away." So how do we determine what sort of time we're facing?

I believe there are times when God sets us on a hard and lonely road. To be tested by fire (1 Pet. 1:7) and to "endure hardship as discipline(Hebrews 12:7)," but there are also times we need to get rid of harmful or even unnecessary chaff in our lives. Some chaff is obvious, but other can only be identified by the Holy Spirit; those times we need His help to identify the chaff vs. valuable grain. Most likely your marriage is grain, not chaff; just sayin'. Sometimes marriage seems like a trek up Everest (which no sane person should ever do); that is not the time to bail. Nor is it time when his chewing or her laugh drives you up a tree, or the seasons you just don't feel in love or attracted to him/her any longer. This is petty, self-centered stuff, and my gentle advice: "SUCK IT UP! Also, remember that "love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:7). BUT...we don't have to endure marital abuse and severe addictions. We don't have to tolerate friends who chronically cut us down, break promises, suck us dry emotionally, or compromise our values. We don't have to tolerate the irresponsible adult child parasitizing us. We don't have to live in squalor or work for an angry and belittling boss. We can fire a lazy and irresponsible employee. We can change where we shop, bank or go to church.

In my life, I have "had a boundary," as my mom would say, about the above things. I have broken an engagement with a faithless alcohol abuser (after suffering WAY too long). I have ended painful friendships. I have left churches that were morally or doctrinally compromised. I have refused to shop at certain stores that support causes I totally disagreed with. And I refuse to vote for those who promote or even tolerate child killing (abortion). On the other end, I have endured marital troubles that could easily have led to divorce, and have lived to tell about it (we will celebrate our silver anniversary this fall)! I have pursued and asked forgiveness of friends whom I've wounded and scared off. I have given lots of money to my children, simply because they were in need and were trying their absolute best. I have forgiven those I did not want to forgive and welcomed them back into my life. 1 Corinthians 4:8 sums it well, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair..." Life will be full of decisions to make; thankfully we have the All-Wise and Knowing One as our Counselor! We just have to learn to listen...

Consumed: Why Americans Love, Hate and Fear Food, by Michelle Stacey

"We will not be healthier, both psychologically and physically, about our food until we learn to love it more, not less...with a relaxed, generous, unashamed emotion. That will be the only way to free ourselves from our sad and fruitless struggle against its power. In the process, it may be that we will have to redefine fundamentally the concept of 'eating well.' The phrase now, in the hands of the food paranoids, is often used to convey the idea of following a diet scientifically programed to prevent disease...and almost religiously outlawing certain forbidden foods. Perhaps eating well instead ought to mean eating fresh, well-prepared foods that are varied and satisfying, served in an appealing way, eaten at leisure-a way of eating that, because nothing is completely ruled out, obviates the need for snacking, for 'cheating,' for obsessing and bingeing. That might also end the driving anxiety about our food-the idea that what we eat is killing us, and that we must do something drastic and painful to repair the damage."

In a nutshell, the above passage defines the thrust of "enlightened hedonism," and the author's assertion that America's "disordered" eating has brought us to this place of food paranoia.

Though published in 1994, much of what the book had to say rings true today...somehow our relationship with food has evolved into fear- the primal fear of death, which is futile, because death, as we all know, is inevitable.

"...a life lived by the numbers [counting calories, fat grams, points, etc.] seeks to evade the most central of truths: Even the most religious of dieters cannot dictate the exact moment or nature of one's death. Perhaps the most disturbing, and disheartening, aspect of the current food paranoia is that is seems driven far more by a fear of death than by a love of life. It is possible to become so engaged in the business of fleeing illness and decay that one forgets how to truly and fully live-or forgets that one point of living is to enjoy."

Well said. The author also asserts that much of our obesity and food obsession stems directly from our American fast food and snacking mentality. We avoid eating good, wholesome food, and grab quick, "cheater" food, inhale it, and that experience leaves us wanting and on the prowl for more food experience. We then binge on quickie junk, and our subsequent weight gain and guilt catapults us into a stringent diet which starves us for FOOD, and the cycle begins again. A couple nights ago I came home famished, but instead of grabbing the nearest edible thing, I munched a couple carrots, and prepared an amazing dinner for myself: creamy scallop sauce over linguine (butter and cream galore), french bread (more butter) and wine. I threw some mushrooms and broccoli florets into the sauce for good measure. I sat down, thanked the Lord for His amazing abundance, and slowly ate my meal, savoring each bite. Normally I'm a rapid eater, so this exercise was somewhat trying...BUT about 3/4 the way through my moderate to small helpings, I was completely satisfied, and didn't crave another bite of ANYTHING the rest of the night. I think Ms. Stacey may be onto something. Given the full experience of savoring not only the taste of the meal but also the aroma and even the preparation (cooking isn't my favorite activity), satisfies some God-given food enjoyment "gene," and to eat the slap-dash American way is to starve that "gene" and trigger it to binge.

I have always joked that I'm a hedonist at heart, but now I have given myself permission to be an "enlightened hedonist." One who prepares wholesome food but doesn't worry about the fat grams, carbs, calories or "righteousness" (as Gwen Shamblin of Weigh Down terms it) of a particular ingredient. I will eat when I'm hungry, savor my food, stop when I'm pleasantly full, and wait again to eat when I'm hungry. The end.

"Women Food and God" a book review...of sorts

At first I resisted this book. I absolutely hate "new age-y," touchy-feely books that reduce God to a tappable source within human beings. That lie gravels me worse than practically any other, but God has been speaking to me lately about keeping the baby as I toss out the bath water. Just as Elijah received raven-delivered food in 1 Kings 17, so can the fallen things of this world bring bits of truth to me, truth delivered for my growth and benefit. And...I do NOT have to fear deception! I am not some weak, frail seeker, on the edge of losing the truth. "HE that is IN me is greater than he who is in the world." The Holy, All-Powerful HE can keep my feet on the path, my weak mind from sucking up and adopting crud. Thank-you, Holy Spirit! Anyway, after that long preamble, I will get to the meat of this book by Geneen Roth. She has hit the nail on the head regarding our corporate, incredibly dysfunctional relationship with food. "No matter how developed you are in any other area of your life, no matter what you say you believe, no matter how sophisticated or enlightened you thin you are, how you eat tells all...the desire to eat when you are not hungry reveals what you truly believe about life here on earth...In the moment that you reach for potato chips to avoid what you feel, you are effectively saying, 'There is no possibility of change so I might as well eat.' You are saying,"goodness exists for everyone but me so I might as well eat.' You are saying, 'I am fundamentally flawed so I might as well eat.' Or, 'Food is the only true pleasure in life so I might as well eat.'

As I read the book, I related to her words on so many levels. I truly believe many of us live our lives as if food is the enemy, or even worse, we are the enemy when it comes to food. Some excerpts:

"Diets are based on the unspoken fear that you are a madwoman, a food terrorist, a lunatic. The promise of a diet is not only that you will have a different body; it is that in having a different body, you will have a different life. If you hate yourself enough, you will love yourself. If you torture yourself enough, you will become a peaceful, relaxed human being.

Although the very notion that hatred leads to love and that torture leads to relaxation is absolutely insane, we hypnotize ourselves into believing that the end justifies the means. We treat ourselves and the rest of the world as if deprivation, punishment, and shame lead to change. We treat our bodies as if they are the enemy and the only acceptable outcome is annihilation. Our deeply ingrained belief is that hatred and torture work. And although I've never met anyone—not one person—for whom warring with their bodies led to long-lasting change, we continue to believe that with a little more self-disgust, we'll prevail.

But the truth is that kindness, not hatred, is the answer. The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value, and possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. Not fight it. Not force it. Not deprive it. Not shame it. Not do anything but accept and—yes, Virginia—understand it. Because if you force and deprive and shame yourself into being thin, you end up a deprived, shamed, fearful person who will also be thin for ten minutes. When you abuse yourself (by taunting or threatening yourself), you become a bruised human being no matter how much you weigh. When you demonize yourself, when you pit one part of you against another—your ironclad will against your bottomless hunger—you end up feeling split and crazed and afraid that the part you locked away will, when you are least prepared, take over and ruin your life. Losing weight on any program in which you tell yourself that left to your real impulses you would devour the universe is like building a skyscraper on sand: Without a foundation, the new structure collapses...

I tell my retreat students that they need to remember two things: to eat what they want when they're hungry and to feel what they feel when they're not. Inquiry—the feel-what-you-feel part—allows you to relate to your feelings instead of retreat from them."

Roth's Eating guidelines are simple, yet wise:

Eat when you are hungry.

Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.

Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.

Eat what your body wants.

Eat until you are satisfied.

Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.

Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

But what about the overwhelming urge to eat when you are NOT hungry? Roth insists it is usually because there is something we are feeling that we don't want to feel. Her solution is to stop, breathe, and allow ourselves to FEEL the feeling (realizing we won't die from the feeling). Examine the feeling in the third person. The feeling often results from patterns formed in our childhood, and we need to realize we are no longer that powerless five-year-old. We are adults with many more tools than a child possesses. We have wisdom and knowledge at our disposal. And that isn't enough and we still need relief from an overwhelming feeling of loss, sadness, frustration, etc., rather than using food, we can employ other distractions: take a walk, read a book, etc. I think PRAYER is the best. Turn to God when we want to eat outside of hunger (a left-over "jewel" I picked up from Gwen Shamblin's Weigh Down "method"), praying something like, "God, I want to devour this entire pan of brownies. I am not hungry. I am struggling with something, and I need your grace and strength right now." Of course, I have not actually IMPLEMENTED that for years, but "Women" has reminded me that I am not alone in my battle against my food idolatry. I have the Almighty One on my side. He is my source of comfort, not the brownies, nachos, bag of black licorice, or super-sized fries.

I want to live a life fully committed to Jesus, not to my need for distraction, enjoyment, entertainment or comfort. I can't serve both Him and food. He is a jealous God.